This memo has been making the rounds of the college athletics landscape. There seems to be some validity to it (source: ChatBLT), but there’s no proof it’s true.
Dear Coaches:
There has been an overwhelming interest in my services, so much so that I don’t have the time or energy to respond to every one of you. The ball is in your court (literally), so please contact my agent IF you are prepared to adhere to these ten requirements. They are non-negotiable.
Photo courtesy Dreamstimes.com
1. I like to sleep in, so no practice before 9:30 am. 10 is optimal! With that in mind, I’m selfish with my evenings, so all activities should be completed by 6 p.m., preferably 5:30.
2. Sunday is a day to pray and sleep, mostly the latter. No team activities whatsoever on the day of rest.
Graphic courtesy Dreamstime.com
3. You may believe weightlifting is important, but I’m not a fan. I have no interest in participating in team weightlifting sessions. However, if I feel the need to get my pump on, you must provide me with a personal strength coach 24/7.
4. I’m a student athlete. My major is LUNCH. We’ll discuss lunch ad nauseam and, yes, eat lots of different lunches at wonderful restaurants. Suggestion for the optional, open-book final exam: Blindfold students and see if they can ID what they’re eating. My minor is STREAMING. Students will watch whatever they want whenever and discuss – or not. All is optional! As you’ve read, I’ve mentioned students, plural. However, I must approve all of my classmates. I would also like to conduct a pre-interview with my instructor. Of course, all instruction will be remote, unless we’re at a restaurant.
5. I don’t have to sell you on the value of a good diet. So, I’m sure you’ll completely understand that you’ll need to hire a personal, Michelin-approved chef.
Graphic courtesy Freepik.com
6. My younger sister is an aspiring rapper. We’re a package deal, and I want her to perform the National Anthem at a half dozen or more home games. I would also like her to perform at halftime of every game. Full disclosure: She’s a work in progress. For everyone’s sake, you must provide a rappin’ instructor. (I will enthusiastically sit in on all sessions if I can get course credit for it.)
7. Of course, my sister will also be on a full scholarship. If she desires to play on the women’s (or men’s) team, there should be a roster spot available to her or any other team that she desires. Again, we need that instructor. However, I’m a realist and know that she must have a Plan B, so please also provide acting instruction for her.
8. My ears are sensitive. So raised voices at practice will not work. Come to think of it, if the coach wants to deliver me a message, they should go through my younger sister, yes, the rapper. She’ll be at every practice.
9. I love playing ball, but not always. Sometimes, I’m not feeling it.
If I don’t want to ball out or even suit up on a given night, you must express empathy. There might be some days – I can’t predict when – when I just want to observe and take it all in from the sidelines.
10. I thrive off of positive reinforcement. I will be taking classes remotely, and I will be chauffeured to and from practices and games. However, if, by some strange occurrence, I have a negative interaction with a student body member, I kindly ask that this person be suspended promptly.
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Jon Hart is the author of Unfortunately, I was available, the sequel to Man versus Ball: One Ordinary Guy and His Extraordinary Sports Adventures.
😂 hilarious. Lots of fun to read.