Ah, professional wrestling: The one guilty pleasure I can never seem to shake. After 15-years, I quit smoking cold turkey, but no matter how hard I try, pro-wrestling is the one habit I can’t kick. So, here it is: I watch WWE semi-regularly. I WATCH PRO WRESTLING! Are you happy?
At least it gives me something to write about other than football. Now, I did write about last year’s WrestleMania, but that was an overall review after the event took place. This year’s version will be a preview/predictability, which suits me more because after watching this crap for over 20-years, it gets easier and easier to see what’s coming.
This year’s WrestleMania takes place on Sunday, April 7th, at Metlife Stadium (where the Giants and Jets play), which is ironic considering that that is where next year’s Superbowl will be played, after the pro-wrestling version of the Superbowl in WrestleMania. In my opinion, this year’s cards are not one of the better ones; the top three matches include Rock/Cena, Lesnar/HHH, and Undertaker/Punk, two of which were already main event matches from within the past year. As of now, there are ten advertised matches on the card – I’m sure they could add a women’s match that no one would care about, or a unmemorable battle royale with all of the guys that have nothing else to do – so I’m going over the ten advertised matches and that is all.
Wade Barrett (C) v. The Miz – (Intercontinental Championship):
Back in the day, the IC title was a big deal, but it’s pretty much worthless now. I can’t even remember who Barrett won the title from and how long he’s been champion, however, it seems as if Wade Barrett consistently loses non-title matches. This goes for his counterpart – the U.S Champion Antonio Cesaro – as well, who is not even on the card, which goes to show how valuable the title is. My point is that these secondary titles are a joke; get rid of them if you’re got going use them to elevate the guys up the card. Anyway, as far as this match goes, WWE has been trying really hard to get the former reality T.V. star – The Miz – over as a babyface, even going as far as having Ric Flair appear on T.V. to give Miz his nod of approval. Since WrestleMania usually goes more towards faces (good guys), I’m going with The Miz winning in about 10-minutes with the Figure-Four.
Winner and New Champion: The Miz
Chris Jericho v. Fandango:
Jericho is clearly now in the role of a big-name-guy, who uses his age and experience to get over on the younger guys. Fandango has yet to even have a wrestling match on T.V.; apparently he doesn’t like it when the ring announcer can’t pronounce his name correctly. I mean, all it is, is FON-DONNNGOOOOOOO – see, I just did it. At least Fandango’s little dance partner is hot. Jericho will do what he does, putting on a great match and making his opponent look like gold. I’m going with Fandango in about 12 to15-minutes after a distraction from the dance partner (does anyone know that chick’s name?).
Winner: Fandango
Brodus Clay, Tensai, and The Funk Girls v. Team Rhode Scholars and The Bella Twins:
So, here’s the token comedy match, or as I like to call it: The piss-break match. I’m going with the dancing fat-guy team of Clay and Tensai, with a Cody Rhodes face turn at the end of the match (they’ve been teasing this on RAW for a few weeks now).
Winners: Dancing Fat Guy Team
Ryback v. Mark Henry:
So, I thought for this that Ryback’s big WrestleMania match was going to be against Big Show, but Mark Henry works too. I must say, Mark Henry is turning in to one of my favorites; there’s just something really awesome about a big, scary, black man that destroys everybody and yells, “That’s what I do!!!” Ryback is the current reincarnation of Goldberg, and of the two, is the better wrestler (I was never a fan of Goldberg). I think this will actually be a pretty good big-man match. It won’t be a technical masterpiece by any means, but it should be a good brawl with a lot of power spots. I see Ryback winning with his finisher – the Shell Shock – while Jerry Lawler marks out like a little girl.
Winner: Ryback
Team Hell No v. Dolph Ziggler and Big E. Langston – (Tag Team Championship):
Oh, Kane and Daniel Bryan – you guys have had a hell (no pun intended) of a run, but all good things must come to an end. However, this won’t be the end. As much as I’d like to pick Dolph and his burly protector, I’m seeing bigger things for the Zig-man (more on that later). This should have the standard tag-team formula of the smaller guy (Bryan) being in trouble for most of the match and getting the hot-tag, with all hell breaking loose after that. This should be a good tag match. Please let Daniel Bryan go into singles again, and soon. Thanks.
Winners And Still Champions: Team Hell No
Seamus, Randy Orton, and Big Show v. The Shield:
Remember the failed WCW invasion? Remember the failed Nexus takeover? Now, why have those failed, while The Shield are still thriving? Because WCW and Nexus lost all the time; it’s hard to take an invasion angle seriously when the invaders always lose and look weak. The Shield have yet to lose a match, and it’s very rare that anyone or even a group gets the upper hand on them. The same thing applied for the NWO, which is why that angle worked for so long. As for how this match goes, I like The Shield for another win; they’ve already beaten several combinations of three big names teamed together, so why should this combo be any different? I’ve also heard rumors of Orton possibly going heel, and I guess we’re not so sure if Big Show is still heel? But with that being said, there’s no reason for The Shield’s winning streak to end here.
Winners: The Shield
Alberto Del Rio (C) v. Jack Swagger – (World Heavyweight Championship):
Once upon a time, not long ago, there was a wrestler named Jack Swagger; he had a goofy smile and always did a ridiculous airplane spin. For a brief period, he was a champion, and then he was turned into a loser and a complete joke. Swagger disappeared, never to be seen again – that is until, he was seen again. This incarnation of Jack Swagger is an ultra-conservative, extremist, ass-kicking machine. Along with Swagger is his new manger Zeb Colter: He does most of the talking for Swagger, which is probably a good thing if you have ever heard Swagger’s lisp. Basically, these two are right-wing nuts that hate anyone that doesn’t think like them. So, how perfect is it that Swagger is challenging the Mexican-born-hero-champion, Alberto Del Rio? I just love hearing Colter bitch about immigration; he reminds me of the redneck guy on South Park that shouts, “they took ‘er jobs!” This should be a really good match; I like Del Rio for the win, after a quick roll-up or countering a Swagger attack into the cross-arm breaker. We the people!
Winner And Still Champion: Alberto Del Rio
After the match, Swagger is pissed and gives Del Rio a beat beating; the crowd boos, and Swagger yells, “we the people,” 50-million times. And the song plays, “I’m here to show the world!” Yeah, that’s right – Dolph Ziggler cashes in Money in The Bank. Never before at a WrestleMania, has anyone cashed, and I really believe that they wouldn’t have had Ziggler keep that briefcase for that long, if he wasn’t going to cash in at this event.
Winner And New Champion: Dolph Ziggler
Undertaker v. CM Punk – (Streak on the line):
So, how awesome is the Undertaker? His undefeated WrestleMania streak (20-0) has become arguably more important than the actual titles, and for the past couple of years, WrestleMania has been the only match in which Undertaker has wrestled – must be nice to only work one day a year. As far as opponents go, you can’t get much better then CM Punk; Punk is a wrestler that can have a great match with anybody. Considering that the Undertaker matches at the past few WrestleMania’s have been the best on the card…..well, let’s just say, I have high expectations for this one. For the past few years, I’ve had a pretty good idea for the Undertaker match and I’ll call it for this match – what the hell. So Punk pins Undertaker without the ref seeing Taker’s foot on the rope. Then Punk’s music hits, and everyone is in disbelief (at least for a few moments) until the predictable other-ref or one of the GMs comes out and restarts the match; the Undertaker wins with the Tombstone a few moments later. This finish accomplishes a few moments of shock value, with people wondering if the streak is really over. CM Punk can then brag for a few weeks on Raw that he pinned Undertaker at WM (heels lie) and of course, the streak stays intact for another year. This match is going to be freaking awesome (21-0).
Winner: The Undertaker
Brock Lesnar v. HHH (No Holds Barred – If HHH loses his career is over):
I can’t lie, I’m a little disappointed with this match. I heard rumors for months that HHH would be Lesnar’s WM opponent, and all the while, I kept saying, “Why not have Lesnar versus Seamus or even Lesnar versus Ryback?” For one, HHH/Lesnar happened already, and Lesnar won convincingly. So, why do it again when someone like Seamus could have come in and had a fresh match with Lesnar? That could have been a really great brawl, which would have elevated Seamus to that next level, but it’s HHH AGAIN! It must be nice to be married to the boss’s daughter. If any of you haven’t been able to tell, I’m not a fan of HHH. I appreciate the hard work he puts into his matches, but the guy has never really appealed to me. HHH is nearly in Undertaker zone with how much he wrestles, so will it really be that big of a deal when HHH loses here? Yeah, that’s my pick.
Winner: Brock Lesnar
The Rock (C) v. John Cena – (WWE Championship):
This was the main event of last year’s WrestleMania and it was billed, “Once in a Lifetime.” What’s the billing this time: “Twice in a Lifetime,” “Once in a Lifetime Once Removed,” “Just Kidding About that Once in a Lifetime Thing.” This match had a really special feel to it last year; it had been building for a while and it delivered the goods, but isn’t it the same fire this time around? No, it’s not; it just doesn’t have the same feel to it. Another difference from last year is that the outcome wasn’t as predictable as this rematch. The Rock is the champion, but we all know he’s not staying around for the long term, so obviously, he’ll have to drop the belt at some point. I’d love to say this is the moment when he finally gets the much anticipated Cena heel turn. How cool would it be to see The Shield come out and team with Cena to form a super group, aka the NWO? I’ll go with the obvious finish of Cena overcoming the odds for the millionth time and pinning the Rock. Afterwards, the Rock will shake Cena’s hand and ride off into the sunset to make some more bad movies.
Winner And New Champion: John Cena
This is definitely not the best WrestleMania card, but there should be a fair amount of good moments to make this a decent show. I am hosting the event at my place with some good friends (you all know who you are), so it should be a lot of fun. I’m already calling next year’s WrestleMania 30-main event of Undertaker versus John Cena. Enjoy the show y’all. IT’S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMN IT!!!
