Day Two gets off to a horrendous start.
One of the second second directors (no, not a typo) – a guy I’ll refer to as Michael Bay – complains that the Background is making too much noise, yes, yet again. Yes, we’re out of medal contention, way the F out!
Then, embarrassingly, a phone goes off during a take. There’s going to be hell to pay. It’s just a matter of when. After another forgettable lunch at the Copa, hell arrives.
Bay tells us that we suck. A moment later, in a whining tone, he declares that the next scene is the most complicated one he has ever shot in his career. He explains that they worked over the weekend for no pay to prepare. If I could, I would say this to Bay: “You should be getting paid. And you must get a new agent!”
We shoot the most complicated scene of Michael Bay’s career – which requires a steady cam – but some background didn’t get the memo and continued to chit-chat. I spot LL Cool J and Adrian Grenier conversing with impunity. Hey guys, we’re not on Entourage, shut the F up! The assistant director, a very large guy I’ll refer to as Orson Welles, barks at the Background to shush. For the record, I’ve barely uttered a syllable since I played peacemaker. I haven’t had much luck in the conversation department anyway.
Brian Koppelman (photo courtesy Jordan Harbinger)
In Holding, at the Copa, I tried to discuss the merits of Rounders with a dour poker dealer, a real one, but he didn’t share my opinion in the least. He felt the movie was a weak, unrealistic representation of poker. Who cares if Rounders took some liberties in the poker realm? It’s a movie and a damn good one at that. Matt Damon and Ed Norton had Butch and Sundance chemistry. And Rounders has quirky, awesome characters. For one, John Turturro is great playing a character named Joey Knish. Brian Koppelman, who co-wrote Rounders and co-created Billions, has a real knack for names.
Moments after barking at us, Orson points to a large, underdressed bald fellow – who reminds me of the tragic guy who blew his head off in Full Metal Jacket – and orders a PA “to sign him out and pay him!” Full Metal Jacket has been fired. Orson makes this declaration so firmly, as if he’s a dictator sentencing someone to execution.
Alas, there’s silence in the room, as Full Metal Jacket takes the walk of shame.
I’m shocked – and sad. In retrospect, I should’ve been happy for Full Metal Jacket, as well as envious. HE’S FREE! LL Cool J should’ve been the first to go. He needs to be muzzled like Hannibal Lecter. But LL Cool J is a large, imposing, muscular, bald man with a conspicuous tattoo, so Orson probably took this into account when he decided to make an example of someone.
Out of all the characters in this room, LL Cool J is the last guy I would want to mess with.
As shooting continues into the latter hours of the evening, I sit on Edison’s stage in the back, merely taking up space, which, of course, is in my Background job description. I’m conversing with myself, imagining scenarios, internally, well, hopefully. I can’t be sure. I’m delirious. “When is the pizza arriving?” I want to ask Danny Strong with Hoffman’s Rain Man delivery.
“They promised me pizza!” It’s fitting, as I’m feeling somewhat unhuman. I figure that Danny would get me, but I don’t chance it. Danny is very aware that these Billions shoot days are grueling. “They don’t mess around,” he said between takes the previous night before as he sat at the poker table.
I’m not doing much, but at least I’m conscious. Just behind me on the stage, one of Brian Koppelman’s real-life poker pals sleeps. When Brian asked him to play a big-stakes poker player on a television show, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t expecting such hellacious days.
They wrap us just after midnight. I hit Koppelman’s pal on the leg and tell him it’s time to go.
Poker 3 of My Hellish Poker Marathon is coming soon.
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JON HART is author of Man Versus Ball: One Ordinary Guy and His Extraordinary Sports Adventures (University of Nebraska Press, 2013); Party School: A Novel (The Sager Group, 2022); and Unfortunately, I Was Available (Peace Frogs United, 2025).
