Here is a private conversation between Rudy Ruetigger, better known as “Rudy” (the famous guy from the eponymous film), and Matt Remick, the studio head of Continental Studios. (It’s so private that it never happened.)
Matt Remick: All right, Rudy, you’ve waited too many months for this meeting. I got three. What’s the pitch?
Graphic courtesy Shad Podcasts
Rudy Ruetigger: It’s time.
Matt Remick: Time for what?
Rudy Ruetigger: The sequel! Rudy goes to the NFL! It’s Any Given Sunday meets Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Matt Remick: NFL? You got in for one play at Notre Dame. And you almost got killed trying.
Rudy Ruetigger: C’mon! I got into three, and I got a sack.
Matt Remick: Half a sack!
Graphic courtesy Hinsdale Magazine
Rudy Ruettiger: Everyone knows me. Rudy is a greatly undervalued IP. I’m letting you in on the ground floor.
Matt Remick: I’m listening.
Rudy Ruettiger: Well, picture this: I’m coming out of the tunnel. No more glory. Everyone hates me.
Matt Remick: Sounds very real, true to life.
Rudy Ruetigger: I have nothing but a dream to make an NFL roster.
Matt Remick: Kicker? Punter? Can you long snap?
Rudy Ruetigger: No, as a push tusher!
Matt Remick: Excuse me?
Rudy Ruetigger: I push the tush in short yardage situations. I’m the perfect height. Most NFL guys are so big that they can only push above the waist.
Photo courtesy BroBible
Matt Remick: What’s the conflict?
Rudy Ruetigger: Well, no one really likes me, and everyone tells me to get lost. The joke is that I’m annoying. I need a love interest, maybe she can help me become less annoying?
Matt Remick: Is that possible?
Rudy Ruetigger: What? That I have a love interest or that she helps me become less annoying? Or both?
Matt Remick: Funny. I see the poster. You’re in a three-point stance … in only a diaper.
Rudy Ruetigger: Great! But why am I in a diaper?
Matt Remick: It’s a funny image. Kids will love it. And I think we have a diaper client that might sponsor this.
Rudy Ruetigger: Who do you think should play me? Bieber?
Matt Remick: Interesting. I think Rudy 2: The Push Tush could be a winner. My people will be contacting your people.
Rudy Ruetigger: I am my people. They should call me directly.
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Jon Hart is the author of Man versus Ball: One Ordinary Guy and His Extraordinary Sports Adventures and its undeserved sequel, Unfortunately, I was available.
