“Dear Roger Goodell,” A Diehard Swiftie Writes To The NFL Commish

Dear Roger, I hope you don’t mind that I addressed you by your first name. I have an idea (or two) for you.

Since Taylor started attending games, I’ve watched a lot of action, and, honestly, I feel like we’re friends. I’ll be brief because I know your time is valuable.

Congratulations on vanquishing racism! Who would think that end zone signage would be so influential? We probably should have this same signage installed on all streets and roadways ASAP, right?

No doubt, TS will help out. I’ll reach out.

I did notice that “Choose Love” is still inscribed on the field. TS and I absolutely love your instincts. However, I must admit that I sometimes have bad thoughts: What would people choose otherwise? I wonder if TS thinks about this, too. Regardless, we must stay positive.

Yes, we must go all in on love! By the way, we’re a we because we’re a lean, mean marketing team: You, me, and TS.

What’s a few more days? It would be a cross-marketing bonanza. Stay with me on this next one. It would be wonderful if the referees wore Cupid attire. Refs in red! That would really set the mood. The stadium vendors could sell chocolate, and let’s have matchmakers in the stands. Actually, let’s have matchmakers everywhere.

Courtesy Today Show

If you’re watching the game, you’re eligible. Heck, you’re eligible if you’re alive. Yes, everyone must choose love! The internet is a beautiful thing.

And just between us, I’m so over “the push tush.” Let’s end it, yes, just like racism. We should call it – you’re gonna love this – “the love shove.” Sold! TS will come up with the lyrics.

I admit that I lifted this next idea. When you have bupkis in tennis, you have “love.” Weird, right? When you have love, you have everything! Anyway, every time a team scores a first down, it would be “first and love.” It’ll grow on you, trust me.

Now, let’s talk music. We need more love songs during games, obviously. No doubt, we’ll contact TS and get her input. I’m looking forward to her performing at the Super Bowl. Until then, you should book the OG: Barry, yes, Barry Manilow. By the way, why hasn’t he performed at half-time? Why are we denying fans of Copacabana at the big game! I’m surprised that there hasn’t been a protest. “Choose Barry!”

By the way, do you have their contact info? I really think we make a great team. When you get a chance, could you write me a quick recommendation? I’d really love that.

Much love,

Ophelia

P.S.,  This isn’t my real name, but I wish it were.

___________

Jon Hart is the author of Unfortunately, I was available.