I tuned into The Golden Globes for one reason primarily: MC Nikki Glaser. I was hoping that she’d recreate some of that Tom Brady roast magic. (Hint: It didn’t happen.) But I did use the experience for another purpose — using my imagination to cast a film.
Glaser went full deflategate, kind of. She went soft for the thin-skinned Hollywood A-listers, for the most part. She did hit Leonardo DiCaprio for routinely dating twenty-somethings, and she made a crack about Sean Penn’s mature looks. Lastly, she made a few jokes about Kevin Hart’s height, which has been done to death.
These are the best joke writers in the business? C’mon!
Despite not watching the vast majority of the nominated movies and TV shows, I did almost make it to the finish line of the three-plus-hour broadcast. As I started to drift off, I tried to amuse myself by imagining which actors in attendance would be cast as New England Patriots in a movie about the Brady roast. I might never get to Hamnet – no, not Hamlet – but I’d watch that flick!
Anyway, here’s my cast of Patriots in order of preference.
Drew Bledsoe: George Clooney, who essentially played himself in Jay Kelly, would do a wonderful Drew. Bledsoe delivered his roast zingers with a dignified presence.
Julian Edelman: After conquering ping pong, I’d love to see Timothee Chalamet do the same in the gridiron universe. Of course, he’d have to put on some lbs to play Julian.
Gronk: After striking out at the box office with The Smashing Machine, The Rock needs some laughter. Gronk is one helluva romp. Heated Rivalry’s Connor Storrie, a Golden Globe presenter, is my next choice for Gronk. For whatever it’s worth, Gronk had no shortage of homoerotic content in his roast performance.
Original photos courtesy Jezebel (Penn) and Capital Gazette (Belichick)
Tom Brady: In Frankenstein, Jacob Elordi played “the creature” of a mad scientist. On second thought, this casting choice should be higher.
Bill Belichick: Sean Penn would do his job and then some with this role. His paramour, Jordan Hudson, did not attend the roast, but if she had, I’d cast Nikki Glaser to play her. Fun times!
Robert Kraft: Steve Martin would deliver more by doing less.
Randy Moss: No one remembers what Moss said at the roast because he’s too nice a guy for this kind of activity, and he followed the magnificent Nikki Glaser. However, Michael B. Jordan would make Moss unforgettable.
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Previously by Jon Hart on “The Tom Brady Roast.” Jon Hart is also the author of Unfortunately, I was available.
