New Year Day 3, inside a conference meeting room at Surrender, the self-proclaimed world’s greatest fitness facility. A large sign on the way says, “YOUR BEST LIFE IS NOW!”
About a dozen fit men – all attractive enough to appear on The Bachelorette – mingle as they wait. A stunning woman in a form-fitting black dress appears before them. She holds a stack of cards. Hope is Surrender’s Sales Director. By the way, Hope is a stage name.
Hope: “OK, guys, let’s cut the chit chat. It’s game time. We’re here to make money, not friends…. Look around. You’ll see some damn good-looking dudes. That’s no accident. We want our members to want to be you. We didn’t choose you for your brains, but you must be smart and relentless. This is a vicious business. People are exercising at home. We offer an alternative, and we guarantee results. But you pretty boys must get them here. You’ll be recruiting fresh meat, face-to-face, Mormon-styler. We’ll be sending you to fast food restaurants, pizzerias, and ice cream shops. We’re hunting for love handles and man boobs. Both are preferable. The more flab, the more they need us.”
Hope hands out the cards. Each features an image of a shirtless man in impeccable shape, staring off into the distance. In bold letters, there’s this: “GIVE US SEVEN DAYS. WE’LL DELIVER YOUR BEST LIFE! YOU MUST SURRENDER TO WIN!”
Photo courtesy Pond5
“Don’t get the wrong idea, guys,” continues Hope. “We’re not sending you to the frontlines without ammo. Gentlemen, these cards are your hook. Golden tickets. They’re seven-day passes. Once we give these slobs a taste, they’ll want the entire enchilada and buy a year membership…. and hopefully everything else we sell: Surrender water, Surrender clothing, Surrender cream. You name it, we’ll go for it. But for any of that to happen, you must get them here for a taste.
How do you make them love us as much as they love ice cream? Well, make them want to be you. Commiserate. Listen. Talk. Be their friend! Are you with me?”
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Jon Hart is the author of Unfortunately, I was available illustrated by Coverkitchen
